


A Mess

by lmontyy



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Lesbian Character, Canon Lesbian Relationship, Ellie - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Character, Light Angst, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, TLOU, The Last of Us - Freeform, Trauma, Useless Lesbians, dina - Freeform, dina and ellie, dina is also nosey, dina x ellie, ellie and dina, ellie is a poor hurt baby, ellie williams, ellie x dina, kind of an asshole nosey but we love her anyway, like NOSEY nosey, the last of us 2, the last of us part 2 - Freeform, the last of us part ii, the last of us part two, tlou 2, tlou part 2, we must protect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22946881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lmontyy/pseuds/lmontyy
Summary: Ellie and Joel's attitudes begin to shift as winter approaches - Ellie's, more severely – and Dina can't help but find curiosity in Ellie's past, as she tries to uncover the reasons why Ellie is so anguished during the wintertime. It seems as though Ellie just cannot stop running from her past, and Dina is walking on thin ice.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 207





	A Mess

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is inspired by "I'm A Mess" by Bebe Rexha!

There it was, that cold wind, the same one that blew over Jackson every year – the first winter wind looming over them in the early days of November. It chilled against Dina’s face, burned the tip of her nose, causing a frigid shiver to possess her body. Burying her head deeper into the collar of her jacket, her hands found their way into her pockets as the realization of winter washed over her.

“Fuck, it’s cold,” she muttered aloud, the girl beside her following suit in a small tremble at the cold wind biting at freckled cheeks.

“Yeah…” Ellie’s voice was distant, breathy in nature. There was a drop in her attitude, and her face darkened ever so slightly, but Dina caught it.

It was typical of her – every single year around the wintertime, Ellie changed. Joel changed. Everyone was careful and easy around them. Joel would yell at them, but it never changed anything. But it was almost customary that whenever winter came, everyone fell back to Ellie and Joel. And they fell back, too.

Every year it was the same, underlying, persisting secret that was unspoken and lingering, something that, as much as she dug, she would never find.

“You doing okay, El?” Dina pressed then, concern lacing her voice.

It took a moment for Ellie to break from her trance as she kept her eyes locked forward, and her mind lost in thought as they continued to walk toward the edge of Jackson.

“Huh?” Shaking her head, she finally came to. “Oh, yeah, no, I’m good.” She assured, but the assurance definitely wasn’t confident, nor was it helping her nerves in any sense. “Just cold, that’s all.”

“You sure?” Dina bugged, leaning up next to her with a playful, exaggerated tone.

Sighing with a smile, Ellie’s typical response was always to roll her eyes. “Yes, jackass.”

“I don’t believe you,” She always let her amusing tone mask her worry. “But okay, dork.”

Another eye roll was queued, and they were silent for the rest of the walk. It was only about six minutes to the tower, and Dina allowed herself to relax as much as she could. She tried not to overthink anything, tried not to worry herself for nothing. If Ellie noticed a change in Dina’s attitude in response to her own, she would close herself off, which is the opposite of what Dina sought.

There was this constant sense of secrecy between Ellie and her adopted father and it drove her crazy. What was so imperative that she didn’t know? Why couldn’t she know?

Once she’d asked Joel the question herself. And he simply told her “not to worry about it”. She wasn’t dumb enough not to worry about it.

Nevertheless, she shut up about it until they reached the tower. At the bottom, they collected their rifles and their binoculars and a cooler. They’d be up there for quite a while – it was an eight-hour shift – and she knew her questions could hold off for a while longer.

Climbing the vast steps all the way to the top, getting a whole view of the settlement below and the woods in every direction. Dina never got tired of the view, especially not when she had Ellie to distract her from getting lost in it, too. Ellie was plenty a view as the woods ever was.

Admiring Ellie was always one of Dina’s favorite pastimes. Especially on days like this, being secluded with Ellie, alone, tons of feet in the air, for eight full hours was like a dream come true. Though they hadn’t put any labels on their obvious romance that transcended their friendship, it was clear that there were boundaries and claims they did not cross. They lived together, and they did everything together. Their boundaries were firm and silent. For example, talking to anyone else was an unspoken rule that both of them strictly adhered to. Dina wanted to have Ellie to stare at for herself.

And that’s just what she planned to do.

When she wasn’t admiring every detail, every nook and cranny, every scar, every freckle on her face, Dina was eyeing down Ellie’s body. Rigid muscles that shone through the fabric of her flannels, ones that peeked out from underneath the sleeve of her shirts on hot summer days. A toned neck and collarbones that were just barely hidden underneath the collars of her shirt, or the scarves and jackets in the winter. Ellie didn’t even realize it half of the time – but Dina’s eyes were always glued to her, mind running with fantasies that were both soft and also incredibly hot.

But that day it was harder to just be able to indulge in her fantasies when she noticed the downpour in Ellie’s face. It was hard to concentrate on how much she liked her when she knew there was something clearly wrong. And while all of her instincts told her to just leave her be, the rest of them were far too concerned to let it go.

Once they had set up their chairs and the tense silence rolled in, Dina forced herself to break it.

“You sure you’re doing okay, El?” Her tone was pressing and concerned. “You seem really off all of a sudden.”  
  


“I’m fine, D,” Ellie insisted, turning to her from her chair. “Really, I’m good.”

“Is it because of the cold?”

“Partially, I guess… I don’t know.”

“Ellie,” Dina got up and moved her chair closer, just in reach. Arm to arm, the chairs were pushed as close as they could go, and Dina’s head gingerly rested against Ellie’s shoulder. “It’s every winter…” she said with a sigh. “Could you just tell me what’s going on?”

Ellie was deadly silent. Even her breathing had hitched and become quiet and quick. Dina felt the distress beginning to rise in her chest.

Turning over and looking her in the face, she was hesitantly met with green eyes staring back at her, like a deer caught in headlights.

“Ellie…” Dina whispered, a hand finding its way comfortingly onto her cheek. “Talk to me.”

Her eyes were wide and dark and completely stunned. Words were written behind forest green, but Dina couldn’t quite read them. Every detail on her face screamed for the sweet release of honesty – she could see the burning secret hidden behind her fair expression, dying to come out, but Ellie bit her tongue and her eyes dimmed.

“Nothing, it’s just the cold.”

Dina slumped back in defeat, in aggravation. She had almost had her. She had been so sure she was going to spill all of her secrets, all of her worries and anxieties, everything about her past.

That’s when it occurred to her: her past.

If there was one thing Ellie always kept hidden under lock and key, it was her past. Dina only knew bits and pieces of it – the Boston quarantine zone, finding Joel, their cross-country adventure to places like Lincoln, Pittsburgh, Salt Lake City, and across states like Massachusetts to Pennsylvania, Colorado to Utah, and in and out of Wyoming.

But the details? They were always spared. Sure, Ellie told her about Bill and her old friend Marlene from the Boston zone and the Fireflies, but she never told her more than that. There were so many endless experiences she must’ve encountered that were completely unknown to Dina.

“Ellie…” she sighed, but she trailed off in ruin. Giving up was her best option. If Ellie wanted to talk, she would. But for that moment, she would just have to–

“I just never had any good experiences in the winter,” Ellie abruptly cut off her thoughts with a vague, but meaningful response. Her tone was weak and shy, her arms hugging herself for comfort. “Winter just… isn’t my favorite time, that’s all.”

Some kind of unbeknownst pride surged her at the ability to crack Ellie – the closeness that she retained with her was seeping through the cracks of the wall keeping her secrets at bay.

Dina had to fight off the urge to keep her mouth shut out of respect for Ellie’s privacy, but she knew that Ellie knew she meant no harm, and only wanted the absolute best for her. Ellie knew that Dina just wanted to be close.

“Like what, El?” Dina turned back to her, curiosity and care written across her face like an open book. She wanted Ellie to understand her compassion. She wanted her to open up.

Again, the same look of resistance appeared on her face. It was as if every part of her wanted to let loose, but there was so much she couldn’t say. She held a promise to herself, or she was just trying to protect herself from nothing. Dina couldn’t really tell which one it was.

“Dina…” Her voice was weak and pained. “Just leave it, okay?”

“No, El,” she refused. “I don’t get what the big deal is, just tell me.” She sounded much more insensitive than she meant to. But Dina was so terribly stubborn.

Ellie winced as she watched those incessant brown eyes completely scan her, digging into forest green eyes and what felt like her soul. They were pressing, hard and insisting, and Ellie immediately backed down.

“Please, just…” The weak voice begged as Ellie broke their contact and stared into the floor. “It’s just… a lot to talk about.”

A nagging guilt weighed on the back of her mind. She tried to push it to the back of her mind as her curiosity pushed past the floodgates.

“Are you… _scared_ to tell me?” Dina asked with a raise of her eyebrows.

The silence spoke volumes. A sinking feeling rose in Dina’s chest at the implication. Slowly, she moved to back off from her. She sat back in her chair in silence, eyes wandering off into the air and the tree tops. Beside her, Ellie nervously shuffled with regret as she searched for the words that burned the back of her tongue.

“No…” Ellie blurted, trying to control the situation. “Some things I just _can’t_ talk about.” She cleared her throat and spoke with more clarity. “Joel and I got wrapped up in a mess the winter of 2033. I was fourteen. Joel was hurt, we got stuck in the woods. Nothing good came out of that winter.”

Dina was quiet and eager to listen, eating up all of Ellie’s words like it was the last thing she’d ever hear.

“That’s all it is.”

Disappointed but grateful, Dina slowly leaned over and placed a sweet, lingering kiss on Ellie’s cheek. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

Ellie’s tone softened, but the firmness was still very much present. “Can we please just not talk about it anymore?”

“Sure.”

***

“Hey, Joel,” Dina was kind and joyful as he opened the door to his little house a few blocks down from their own.

“Hi, Dina,” he greeted, clearly confused at Ellie’s absence. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” she assured him. “I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Oh, sure thing,” he moved aside to let her in. “Please.”

Shooting him a sincere smile, she stepped up into the doorway and placed her coat comfortably against the head of the couch just to the left of the doorway. Joel’s house was very much like her own, just as it was like Ellie’s. Dina had been coming over, sleeping over, having dinner, and spending time in Joel’s house – which was Ellie’s hold house when she was younger – since they first arrived at Jackson. It was a second home to her.

But the atmosphere was off. The house seemed cold and downcast, the fire out and the evening light peering in through the window, giving the house a gray ambience. The only light came from the old kitchen lamp, dangling above the dining table.

“Are you feeling okay, Joel?” Dina asked with a concerned voice, taking a look around at the grave, cold house.

“Yes, ma’am,” his deep voice echoed through the chilly room. “Why do you ask?”

“Nothing, the house just seems… different.”

There was a certain aura about him that set off a skeptical side of her. Something wasn’t right in him, either. But she wasn’t surprised – it was every year.

He shrugged, a hum accompanying it. “Seems fine to me.”

“Maybe,” Dina dismissed with disregard and defeat. “Anyway… can we talk?” She plopped down heavily onto the soft couch, watching Joel lean back against the corner wall leading down the hallway across from the couch she sat on. He crossed his arms gently.

“Go for it.”

“I talked to Ellie for a while earlier this morning,” she began, slight hand motions following suit after her words.

“What about?”

“I noticed that every winter, right, she gets very… down,” Dina watched Joel’s eyes widen slightly and he looked away in disdain. His face falling knocked Dina’s confidence down, but she continued like she’d noticed nothing. “And she told me a little bit, but definitely not a lot. I was just wondering if there was anything you could tell me.”

“Dina…” Joel sighed. “It’s dangerous territory.”

“No, I know,” Dina eased her words with a rush of assurance. “I don’t mean to push. But you have to understand, Joel. I see her like this every year and I literally can’t do anything to comfort her.”

“It’s better that way,” he insisted coldly. “The truth sometimes ain’t worth exposing. Some things are best left a secret.”

Dina clenched her teeth with frustration. “No, it really isn’t. I think I’m important enough in Ellie’s life that you guys can help me out a little bit with this whole secret that I watch kill her from the inside out every single fucking year–”

“Dina,” his voice was firm now, aggressive. He cut her off without a moment’s hesitation. “Not all things are your business.”

“No?” Offense spiked through her. “I know you were hurt that winter. You want to at least tell me what happened?”

There was a silence that fell over him, an unmeasurable reluctance written across his face, the same hesitation that was stuck to Ellie’s face like glue earlier that day. Aggravation resurfaced in the back of her throat, but she swallowed it justly. She wanted to give him room to speak if he wanted.

“I fell…” his words came out strained. “… Off of a two-story balcony. I was wrestling a soldier and I ended up going over. When I landed, there was a… piece of rebar… sticking up on the floor. I landed right through it.”

“Jesus…” Dina’s whisper was harsh as she winced, reaching for her abdomen as a ghostly pain shot through her.

“Ellie was fourteen,” he continued, his tone downcast and slow. “She had to get me out of the university with a pistol and a barrage of guys after her. She got me up on the horse, I tried to hold out, but I couldn’t. Almost the entire winter in Colorado, I was out of it.”

Imagining the small girl, the way she was when she came to Jackson, having to go through all of that tragedy sent shocks of pain through her nerves. Picturing her up against tons of men with guns, carrying Joel, completely panicked, it hurt her to no end.

“She hunted by herself, slept by herself, did everything to get me better. She got me medicine, and she even stitched me up, too,” Joel lifted his button up flannel just slightly to reveal a large, gaping scar across his abdomen. He gently let it fall after Dina took in the wound. “You can imagine how hard it was, livin’ like that for the whole winter.”

“I can imagine,” Dina empathized with a sorrowful sigh. _No wonder._

“The rest of it is Ellie’s business,” Joel concluded firmly. “She went through a tough deal that winter. We had a run-in with a terrible group. It’s not my place to be talkin’ about.”

All of her curiosity had been building up and she just wanted to know more. Everything about Ellie’s past intrigued her. She wanted to eat up everything she could about her past and all of her adventures. It would help to understand her better, it would help to bring them closer together, which was all she wanted, at the end of the day.

“She won’t tell me,” Dina whined, edging at Joel to get more information out of him.

“I’ve already said too much,” he shot her down immediately. “When Ellie’s ready to talk about it, she will.”

“There’s nothing else you can tell me?”

“I would tell you, Dina,” he promised, a genuine strain in his voice. “I would, really. But I can’t go back on Ellie like that. There’s gotta be a reason she ain’t telling you. I wouldn’t take it personal.”

She sighed with defeat. “Okay,” she murmured. “Thank you for telling me everything. I’m sorry that you were injured like that, that must’ve been terrible.” Though disappointed, her sorrow was genuine. She could only imagine the toll it took on the auburn-haired girl in question to deal with his injury, on top of everything else.

“Just… go easy on her, okay?” Joel’s voice was pleading, almost, in a way she’d never heard. “That kid will do anything to run from her past. Just try and drop it, okay?”

“Oh, believe me, I know she runs,” Dina assured, getting to her feet and reaching for her coat. Outside, nighttime had enveloped over Jackson. “I better get going.”

“Sure thing,” he nodded understandingly. He started for the door to help her out.

Thin, shaped arms fit into the sleeves of a purply-red coat. She adjusted her collar promptly, and looked to Joel who was standing at the side of the door, waiting for her to approach so he could open it for her.

“Thank you,” she sighed with sincerity. “I really appreciate it. I only want to help.”

“I know you do,” his face softened. “Thank you for caring so much about her.” A large, strong hand reached out and placed itself atop soft, black hair tied in her usual bun. He rubbed playfully, gently as to not mess up her hair – contrary to what he normally does with Ellie, where he would brutally knuckle down on Ellie’s hair until all of it fell out, amused by her enraged reaction to his playful antics.

Dina’s heart warmed at the paternal familiarity she received from him, knowing Joel considered her close enough to his heart and his family to treat her like his own adopted daughter.

He opened up the door for her, and she stepped out against the same chilly wind that had tickled her cheeks earlier, the same wind that had struck a silent terror in Ellie that Dina was absolutely desperate to uncover.

***

Before heading home that night, Dina had made a quick stop to market to pick up a few of the things she needed. It had only been about seven at night, and she figured that she would get it done while she still had time and the lights of Jackson still sat brightly, rather than wait for the next day after her med clinic shift.

The bags were light with a collection of a few vegetables, a cut of meat, and some spare bottles of water. Thankfully, it wasn’t too far a walk.

As she came up to the house she and Ellie shared, she noticed the eerie darkness that plagued the windows, the stillness from within sparked weights in her stomach to drop slightly. Worried, she picked up her pace towards the silent house and unlocked the door with her keys before stepping into a gray, dimmed house. Dina would’ve thought it was empty, had she not called Ellie’s name and gotten a distant response.

“Are you okay, El?” Dina’s voice was almost frail and scared as she slowly advanced for the kitchen, only just lit with the faint old light hanging above their oven and countertop.

Peeking her head around the doorframe, she was met with an Ellie, hunched over the table, sitting lightly with her eyes burning holes in the wood. Her fingers were entwined with each other and her mouth rested against her hands. Her nose pushed up a bit against her fingers.

“Ellie?” Shaking, Dina took a step toward her.

“How did your conversation with Joel go?” Her harsh voice cut off her walking, stopping her dead in her tracks. “Did you get what you wanted?”

Dina was frozen with shock. She couldn’t figure out for the life of her how she’d gotten to figure it out so fast. Unless Joel told her, which he wouldn’t have, she would’ve had to ask him.

“Ellie…” Her name was the only word she could process and form before she was coldly cut off again by the angry girl.

“You know, Dina, when you don’t want to talk about stuff, I leave you alone,” Her eyes were dark and swirling green when her head jerked up to meet Dina’s.

Words scraped up the back of her throat, broken, tattered words, but she kept them under. She shielded herself with silence. Ellie’s anger was the last thing she’d expected to see that night.

“Joel called me,” she began, her expression fierce with anger. “And asked me if I was okay. When I asked why, he told me you stopped by and _had a little chat.”_ The spite that overturned reason in her voice stabbed Dina in the chest like a knife. “You went asking about what happened in winter to turn me like this. He gave me a hard time for not being open enough with you. But he also told me he told you to drop it, and you haven’t.”

“Ellie,” Dina’s voice turned with a broken but fierce defensiveness. “I have been trying to understand you for six years. I asked Joel about what happened so that _maybe_ I could help you, _maybe_ I could understand you, _maybe_ I can be closer to you. You refuse to tell me, how am I supposed to–”

“Some things, maybe, just maybe, are better left alone, don’t you think?” It was the loudest Ellie had ever raised her voice at her. “Sometimes you don’t need to know everything!”

Dina was taken aback, Ellie’s shouts echoing through the house and falling flatly, silently, in the expanse of rooms. She was panting lightly, regaining her composure as Dina stared in awe, mouth gaping from the sudden burst of anger.

But she was quick to realize her mistake. Ellie took a deep breath and suddenly was reeling back to reality.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that,” she sighed with anguish.

When Dina still remained struck, silent and hurting, she immediately rushed to repair her damage.

“The winter is just… a very fucking stressful time for me.”

Again, no response.

“I’m sorry,” Ellie’s had completely softened. She turned, and Dina could read the contemplation lacing her face – she couldn’t decide whether to step forward and embrace Dina, or to keep her distance.

Dina just watched her sadly, and that’s when Ellie took the plunge to step forward and take Dina into her arms softly. It didn’t take her very long to respond back, Dina’s arms encircling her waist while Ellie’s sat tight around her head and shoulders. That moment was silent and comfortable, until Ellie pulled away to kiss a freckled cheek, lips soft as feathers, before taking a deep look into those murky brown eyes, the forest green blazing into hers with a ferocious amount of adoration.

“I know you don’t mean any harm,” Ellie assured, voice thick like a honey, but as light as a paperweight. “I know that you just want to help.”

“That’s all I want, Ellie,” Dina’s voice was curt but unyielding, the frustration and hurt still evident from her outburst. “At the end of the day, I’m just trying to understand you and your whole world a little more. Wouldn’t you do the same with me?”

“Yeah, I would,” The words were breathy as Ellie’s brows furrowed, eyes still gazing into hers. “I just… hate talking about it. I hate even thinking about it. It gives me all kinds of anxiety.” She admitted.

“Joel told me some of it,” Dina told her, arms tightening around Ellie’s waist. “Not much, though. He was careful with whatever he did tell me.”

Ellie chuckled, intermixed with a scoff of amusement. “Sounds about right.”

“Yeah,” Dina returned the act of merriment.

Ellie’s tone immediately changed again. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m a little emotional.”

“You don’t say.”

With a playful roll of her eyes, Ellie pressed another soft kiss into her skin. “I’m sorry for not being open with you, either. Maybe I should’ve done that a long time ago instead of hiding away from the past. Doesn’t do much good, huh?”

“Maybe.”

Dina’s sarcasm was uplifting the mood at a rapid rate. Both girls were grinning at each other and the atmosphere had completely softened from its tense, explosive ambience.

A minute of silence overpassed them before Ellie spoke again.

“So, how much did Joel tell you?”

***

Things had become much leaner and more comfortable since Ellie had opened up to Dina that night about her terrible past with the cannibals and David. They had spent the night up talking, crying, holding onto each other as Ellie spilled her heart out about her near-death experiences with the cannibals – how they kidnapped her, hurt her, threatened her, hunted her down in the snowstorm.

Everything that hadn’t made sense to Dina just a few weeks ago had all completely pieced itself together with the enlightenment of Ellie’s story. In just that week alone, Dina and Ellie had never been closer.

The air was completely clear, and everything was much freer with one another.

That day, they had been holed up in Joel’s home. It was an icy cold November afternoon, and the girls and Joel were curled up by the fire and the TV, watching a pre-outbreak movie that had just come to DVD before the world collapsed. Tucked underneath blankets and pillows, the girls took the couch while Joel laid happily across the loveseat cushions.

It was just about 2:45 when Dina finally looked out the window just above the loveseat where Joel had been relaxing lazily under a woolen blanket.

“Would you look at that?” Joel said, peeking over to see himself. “First one of the year.”

Heavy flakes had started to pour down from the sky, and a bomb fell in Dina’s stomach. She immediately turned to Ellie, who she expected to be sinking into a panic. Every year, the first snowfall, the first snowstorm, and scattered ones here and there, Ellie was flashed into an incurable anxiety that lasted for what felt like hours.

Now Dina knew why.

But when she looked to Ellie, her mind preparing for the worst, she was pleasantly taken aback by the large smile that had plastered across Ellie’s lips. The voice that spoke held no apprehensiveness. There wasn’t a trace of her usual panic. Just a sly grin that spun Dina into a smiling frenzy.

Ellie’s question was one of the most liberating she’d ever heard.

“Anyone up for a snowball fight?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> This is another of the Tumblr requests I received for these two.
> 
> My tumblr handle is @lmontyy, and I take any and all requests, (so long as they're not unreasonable or crazy!) but I'm very easygoing when it comes to writing, and do enjoy writing for others. Any and all questions or inquiries may be directed to my inbox here or on tumblr. :)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


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